Saturday, June 09, 2012

Wishful Thinking, Meaning Well, and Failing

So much that I attempt to write about gets left in draft, incomplete. I am publishing the following self-absorbed drivel because maybe it will provide a public service to others who find themselves similarly afflicted. I am open to suggestions as to how to prevail upon myself to achieve what I'd like, but it ultimately comes down to me doing the hard labor that I so often seek to avoid.

Og reminded me today that he had tried to get me to think more deeply of what he calls the Left and Right forces in play in our lives. I really don't recall exactly what his hypothesis was because as he was explaining it I went on one of my tangential side-trips inspired by his new way of viewing things. He saw it better than I do because I was of no help to him when he needed a sounding-board and multi-processor feedback back then.

It reminded me that I see the forces at play in our lives in a way nobody else I know seems to share. It should be no surprise to regular readers here that it is my opinion that anti-human forces (in humans themselves) play an immense role in how badly the plans and inventions of the brightest minds get turned to deadly outcomes.

And that further got me to reflect again about why I chose my online name that implies that this is the place to find the fervor that was Blaise Pascal's.

Did I already see the concept of God and love of life much as apparently did Blaise Pascal? Or did I only begin to comprehend those conceptions more deeply after I focused on how he showed hubris filled men and their nefarious plans could be defeated? I do not remember.

But what I did do, in adding the name Fervor, was seek to attain the level of his fervor, a sort of wishful thinking: a setting of a goal.

It is a sad self-recognition of my shortcomings that I have come in no way close to the level of that man's drive. My silence in the last month has troubled me. I far too often take solace in the thought: "if you have nothing worth putting in the effort to say properly – fully – better to say nothing." But as any good writer will tell me, it's in the discipline to write that gets you where you want to go.

Yet I have mixed results over the years in trying to follow that advice. Just this last month alone I started many commentaries on important subjects. Yet I did not find and draw upon what drive I needed to complete them. I failed to overcome either what I view as my laziness (being hard on myself) or my scattered-thoughts/forgetfulness (being charitable to myself), and maybe a good bit of oh-what's-the-use-ism.

When I see so much awful behavior transpiring in the world, micro and macro, I get angered by the lack of reflective, conscientious commentary about society's failings being at the root of so much of it. And I find that that anger passes far too quickly to keep me fired-up to write. Maybe that is precisely how I and a good number of my generation were conditioned by the Conditioners. But I KNOW they wanted me to behave that way, so it's really my own shortcomings now that I am aware of that indoctrination.  Oh God how I wish I could find, in the shorter time remaining to me, the key to becoming a better man than I have been.

11 comments:

  1. Pascal, do you ever read Bob Godwin's blog, One Cosmos? It might be just the sort of place to help you unpack some of your thoughts.

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    1. I've seen Gagdad Bob postings around, but had never gone to his site before.

      Do you have any particular post in mind, or that you recommend?

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    2. Just go there. Explore. Waste time in a holy fashion. Seek out the Slack. He speaks of it daily. I've followed him and prayed for him in his very real journey to the Christian faith. It's a sacred UNdoing that's quite hard for those of us who may be more rotely wound. We forget to let go, but we need to remember to.

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    3. Actually, I was afraid that was what you meant. :)

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  2. Thing is, P, you have such an amazing processor. If you'd just unburden it of some of it's buit in routines once in a while, and point that high powered thing in different directions I shudder to think what you might begin.

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    1. LOL. Unburdening is easier said than done. So you've noticed some rigidity have you?

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  3. Pascal, maybe you set too high a goal? It is not a shortcoming to realize one's limitations. It is a recognition of one's abilities and the limitations placed thereon by at times personal and at other times often uncontrollable circumstances. I can recommend letting your thinking go slack at times as I have often found my deepest thinking comes about when my mind has been cleared of all my thoughts and is on other matters unconnected with current thoughts.

    Get drunk occasionally, let yourself go, but don't get off track.

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    1. Yes, trying to get to the level of drive of Pascal is quite a bit grandiose. However, he did prove that mankind can achieve greatness above great odds and in a short time span. To be honest, I selected my name more in homage to what he achieved for mankind politically (out of all the things he did) than for setting a personal goal. Wistful, and apparently out of reach, but not a bad measure of excellence. So thanks for reminding me.

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    2. Oh, I can't get drunk. Excessive alcohol — like three drinks and sometimes less — puts me to sleep.

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    3. My brother in law has the same problem - one or two beers and he is off to bed. limit your intake to one or two tipples, but above all make sure you relax and work within your limits. Life is much too short to busy people.

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  4. As far as slack goes, I do get there. I garden. A lot. Have a heck of a green thumb. It started way back when I was a regular employee. When engineering managers became MBAs instead of lead engineers who'd been promoted, I began pulling weeds where my wildest imagining served as good therapy. ;) After I quit and became an independent contractor, it served to provide my mind slack it needed to solve some tough engineering problems.

    The difference between technical problem solving and human problem solving however is akin to the difference between tic-tac-toe and chess. So I would bet more slack would help. However, my forgetfulness and scatter-shot thinking which helps tremendously -- for example, to solve problems that arise in engineering testing and save the product -- is not that good when there are so many variables as human motivations. And then there is denial all around, both my own and in those who are kind enough to lend me an ear.

    Maybe actively seeking the slack will help me finally curtail my scattershot inclinations. I surely hope so. But Bob there sure seems way out there from what I have read so far. I suppose it all starts to make sense in time, but so far, not much to me.

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