Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Outside the Box: Reviving A Lost Autumnal Ritual

Lost Ritual: Burning autumn leaves.

Reason: Leftist enviro policies, usually at city council level, but also brought by EPA air quality boards.

Difficulty in fighting: these policies have been either bought into or not fought by a whole lot of overregulated common folks.

Avenue of attack: Exploiting gaping Leftist inconsistencies.

So, the following are ingredients for burning autumn leaves under conditions I imagine are fully authorized by no less an authority than the United States Supreme Court.

  1. Fallen leaves
  2. Chicken wire
  3. Several cans of quick drying spray paint: 6 white, 3 red, and 2 navy blue.
  4. Matches.

Build a rectangular cage, roughly 69"x39" and 6" deep, with 69"x39" hinged lid, all made of chicken wire.

With the cage laying flat, lid at top end and open, fill cage with leaves. Close and secure lid.

Now spray paint the 69"x39" top layer of leaves white. Let dry.

Next, with your red paint, spray on top of the white, a 69 inch long, 3" wide band along one edge of your cage

Then spray another matching band along the opposite edge of your cage.

Next spray five more 3" bands on top of the white layer, roughly equally spaced at 3" increments between the first two 3" wide bands of red. Let dry.

Now, with your blue paint, spray a blue rectangle roughly 32"x21" at the lower right of your cage, fully covering 32 inches of seven of the red and white stripes. Let dry.

For your final painting job you will need your white paint again. If at this point it is not absolutely obvious what you must do next, just forget about the whole thing.

But if you have caught on what few procedures need next to be followed, then get ready to enjoy a long lost American tradition and its lovely aroma.

For you patriots out there, did you know that the proper disposal of a worn American flag is to burn it? And it just so happens that fallen autumn leaves are long past their prime.

Be careful. Nobody but someone above the age of 21 should consider doing this, and they best be prepared to explain and fight for their rights. With all that understood, carry on at your own risk. With or without a patriotic conscience, this just seems to be a loophole that the Left and the autocrats would have difficulty filling after all their efforts at making flag burning a legal right.